Cos it’s complicated

It’s not like I don’t wanna be called somebody’s Baby or Babe,

Cos that’s such a soothing sound, either heard or been called or said.

It’s terrifying as a relationship nowadays comes with handcuff of boundaries and bar of limitations no matter if he’s a Psycho or a Sage,

But I’m just not ready for those deadliest commitments as said to get trapped in a “Golden Cage”.

No matter if he’s way too cool or humble and sweet,

But those expectations of a lover is too damn high to even touch or meet.

Some guys I’ve met actually seem so ideal and stable and not so quiet but mentally calm,

Somehow it still scares the shit outta me thinking about those rules and regulations that come along and the future that is pre-planned.

I too desire to cuddle and hide my face onto his chest while everything fades away,

But I’d still be thinking deep down if he’ll ditch me and choose someone new on his way.

I don’t believe that all the guys would hurt me like the people from my past,

But everytime I try trusting someone, they teach me not to do it anymore and I promise myself this time will be the last.

Though I believe he’s somewhere; somewhere beneath the same sky, far or near,

Ready to fight every challenges that’d try to pull us apart with his broadened thoughts and will always help me grow and cheer.

I’m sure the time will come when I’ll be perfect for him and he’ll be the only one for me,

His smile will make everything alright and we’ll go places hand on hand enjoying the vista of sun kissing the sea.

We’ll stay together even if it rains or snows,

And he’ll love me equally on my moody days and when the daylight dims or the moonbeam glows.

Apart from all those anxieties and those hypothetical scenes running in my mind along with such scary thoughts,

I still keep thinking where I’d meet him; who’d be too cute to handle and way too hot.

Men feel it too

Yeah I definitely can’t bleed for 7 days,

And not even sure if I can save you from all the dangers and those uncomfortable gazes.

I apologise for the dates and your birthdays that I always forget,

And can’t even stay patient for an hour or two when you’re late.

That’s surely not my thing to help you decide your dress,

Neither can I clean up my own room cos I still enjoy the mess.

I’ve been taught that men don’t cry and can never show his weakness or stress,

But sometimes tears roll down my eyes when I can’t handle my emotional race.

I’m not the one who abused, nor the one who raped.

Don’t blame me for what I haven’t done and don’t forget the times I cared.

I may have hit some cheesy lines to grab your attention cos my competition has a huge queue,

I’d still check on to you and act a little crazy when a random jerk stares at you.

It’s not that my video games and work is all I gotta do in my life,

I may fail to show you my love at times, but even your words hurt me and cut me deep like a knife.

I do pretend a lot like I don’t care, and I realise that I’m only pushing you far doing that,

But hey! I get scared when you tell me to leave you alone even when you’re joking or when mad.

No, I’m not a hero, but baby I can be one for you if you want me to,

I won’t cheat on you and won’t make you feel unwanted like the other unlucky and unfaithful guys do.

Sometimes I wonder and get goosebumps thinking…. like how on earth did God make you?

Is he immensely talented? Or does he even has no clue?

We may fight, and you may push off my limits and my edges,

But I’ll still be there to care for you and make you happy even in my anger and rages.

To be honest, I really can’t promise you that stars and moon,

But I swear to love you forever, be it December or June.

Happily living

I want to have enormous stories to tell when I’m old.

I want to meet so many people, young and bold.

Don’t just sadly live with a fake smile with no attached string or cord,

Not craving for attention, but need someone who can listen and nod.

What’s gone is merely dead,

But what’s coming will surely be great.

We need to make mistakes to learn and earn,

But if you never try and hustle, you’ll end up dissatisfied and torn.

So Hey! Cheerup and make every moment count,

Not just yours, but help the whole world’s happiness mount.

Everybody you meet will not understand you and let you grow,

But you know what?

It’s their mentality that’ll kill them one day and make them rot.

Be compassionate and try to walk in their shoes as well

And you’ll see how delightfully scary is everybody’s story that not everyone can smile and tell.

You surely can sometimes get drowned to your feelings,

But please don’t let it take over your enthusiasm and dealings.

Know that even the smallest activities are arising on your favour,

Just have a little patience baby, you’re your life’s hero and your own saviour.

Felt like heaven, left like hell.

As he said, “let’s make this time final, never returning back to each other ever again” , it felt so heavy and devastating that I couldn’t really respond. In fact had no words left.
The person I loved more than anything, like anything! Left like I was nothing to him.
Its true that we had different dreams and goals in our lives. We fought for different reasons, yelled at each other, didn’t talk for couple of days, complained about various things, said that ‘its over’ for so many times, and like a boomerang does- bounced back to each other and loved harder every time. Isn’t that a sign of a normal relationship? Or were it just us?
Meeting him once a day was all I wanted. And with his busy schedule he somehow used to manage seeing me once. His smile, even in that photograph made my day. His husky, sleepy voice was some what a kind of a sexist gesture, I felt. His eyes, shimmering, when he talked about all those achievements he made that day, about his plans, about how well he’s been doing, I loved watching his mesmerizing, glittery eyes. The way we hugged, so tightly, promising to ‘never let you go, no matter what‘ kind of a feeling. Those kisses, those very small and instant kisses to a long and very very long kisses was making me fall for him, harder and harder. I was so madly in love with him that it made me feel content , wanted nothing else than him. Even with those fights, believed that these things only makes us come back stronger, with more love and passion within us.

But somewhere in my fantasy’s world, I was not able to see that we were just drifting apart slowly. His ignorance, treating me just as an option, never prioritizing me, never wanting me so bad that would melt me instantly. He was always into his ex. Always loved her. Never loved me enough so that I’d stay, not even tried to never let me go. Is that what we call being in an one sided relationship? I saw everything, still somehow managed to close my eyes and think that I was all he wanted. Silly me!

Now that he has left forever, here’s me – still thinking about that incomplete love. That bond, that I wanted to never let go of. Now I can’t understand my own feelings. Constantly torn between, ‘if its meant to be, it will be’ and ‘you’ll get what you work for’. Now love has been one thing I’d ever fall for. I’m afraid of attachment now. Cos in the end, everybody’s gonna leave you, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you cry, and no matter what he’s to you.
Him- ‘temporary affection’
Her- ‘permanent scars’

And yes, love is not just the first month of heavenly feeling, its about how badly you want her even after seeing total madness side of her. ❤

While he’s asleep

I’m staring at him as he’s in a deep sleep. Thinking and wondering of so many things. Drawing lines by my finger onto his eyebrows , his nose, his eyes, his lips while de-tangling his hair with the other hand. No idea what he’s to me. For instance, I feel like, he’s the only person I ever need. The only one who I can be happy with. Like he’s something I’ve ever dreamed of in my life. And the next moment feels like, how can I be happy with him when he’s the reason of my sadness, reason of my tears, reason of my tragic love story? How can I expect him to fix me when he’s the one who left me shattered and broke?
Yes, he loves me. Loves me sometimes. And in that sometimes, I can find all of my happiness. And sometimes he doesn’t love me. Not even a tiny bit of love he does sometimes.
As he smiles a little while asleep, I wonder if he’s dreaming about me, about us. Or is it not me?

My eyes stuck on his face, wondering, why can’t he love me extremely? I don’t expect him to love me as much as I do. But why can’t I be the only one for him? Why can’t I be his priority? Why is it fine even when I’m not in his life? Why can’t I be the last girl he loves? Why can’t he love me like he loved her? Why don’t I deserve that effort he made to get her back?
And why do I keep searching for him in every boy I see at the street passing by? In every guy I talk to ? While I know that he won’t be there for me when I’m crying my heart off at a cold, lonely night thinking about all the possible things that we could have been. He won’t be there, standing by my side , holding my hands, assuring that he’s always with me. He won’t stare at me like I do to that delicious piece of cake. He won’t be there to hug me when I’m losing all the hopes that kept me alive for so long. Never will he stay when I ask him to leave, Boy! That’s when I need you to stay with me the most, but I know your ego won’t let you to do that. No, he won’t be there! Never deliberately was, never will be!
But my heart still misses him; even in the crowded room, full of noise; even at the times when I feel proud of myself doing something I never did before; even when I keep a fainting smile on my face to show others that I’m fully content, happy, and insatiably free from all his memories.
Thoughts still hovering about our first meeting… Those dreams gleaming in my wide open eyes about us which I instinctively know won’t ever come true.

Flower Child

A little high but not that low,

You’ll find all the answers as you blow…

Blow a puff and pass it round

Cos we have different rules that’s more than echos and sounds.

Our chinky eyes will speak it all, bloody red at times

But I assure you that we only pull each other’s legs with no amount of crime.

Sometimes it feels like I’m flying in the seventh sky,

And sometimes it’s more like loosening the grip that the society ties.

We don’t even have to fall in love to see rainbows and butterflies,

When we can rise, bake and roll a blunt and speak with utmost clarity with no lies.

This green colored substance is criticized in different terms,

Even though this herb only makes you laugh with just a little side affect and no germs.

I’ll tell you about the hunger that strikes,

You should see me eating everything, be it 2 burgers and a bowl full of fries.

Possibilities are that you might not even remember your birthday being tomorrow,

But not just birthdays, it’ll even help you forget and ease your pain and sorrow.

Still one cannot even spell joint in front of a crowd,

Meanwhile they can drink and splash alcohol accompanied by violence and voices too loud.

Or is it like not everyone gets the opportunity to mind their own fucking businesses?

Cos people seem much busier doctoring issues that they have no idea about, followed by back stabbing and harshness.

We’re called Stoners as we get stoned and don’t care much while in trip,

It helps you make friends and have those short conversations, lengthy and deep.

I can’t say if this can be classified as good or bad

But I’ve learned that you only live once and if you’ve never been high, Isn’t it sad?

A letter to my Crush

Dear Neetesh,

How you doin’? (Do read in Joey’s tone.)

I don’t know if this is going to be lame or may sound cheesy; just bear with me please.

Would you mind if I talk about the most relevant lyrics you write about the brutal truths ongoing in our society?

Or the songs that every youth is humming to themselves that’s so catchy yet significant to our lives?

I wouldn’t call myself as your biggest fan cos that wouldn’t sum up what you mean to me.

The very first time I saw you standing infront of me singing and playing those instruments that you’re commendable and best at; all I could think at the moment was, “How on earth do you do what you do?”

I mean, I felt lucky enough to have attended something that left me stunned and smiling the whole time as my eyes saw you thriving for each words you vocalized.

Whenever I hear you, it’s like my ears being poured with endless comfort and making me find home somewhere I’ve never been to. Being someone who listens to your voice every now and then, I’ve realized that if my alarm was your voice, I’d never have to snooze it.

To be honest, my heart wrenches when I see your pictures with someone else though I do acknowledge that I’m in the fandom now and there are a lot of die-hard fans you’ve gained solely through your immense talent that you’ve been showering us with.

Still I’m optimistic about the chances I might have cos deep down I’ve already convinced myself that if you knew me, you’d fall in love with me. And let me outburst the mother of coincidences, we share the same birthday, YAY!!

Apparently, when someone asks me about my kind of guy, I try my best to describe him and trust me, every single time he sounds a lot like you. Now all I want you to know is, I’m fully aware of the fact that you will be singing but it’ll never be for me. Yet I can’t entirely disagree to wanting you to reciprocate the same kind of feelings for me, not a bad idea (at least not for me, of course)!

I literally love all the amazing songs you’ve written and sung, but if I have to choose one, “Sworga ki Pari” would still be my number one favorite cos that’s your first song I listened to, and then got obsessed to everything related to you, and rest is history.

Well I don’t assume myself in the position to talk about all the obstacles and struggles that you’ve faced in becoming who you’re today but do consider me one of the happiest and proudest human being for everything you’ve achieved today with your hard work and versatility.

I believe that you will keep making us proud and I wish you all the luck to achieve everything you’ve wished for.

I want you to fly the highest and to live your dreams snatching hearts, while I sit infront of my screen writing letters you might not even get to read.